My Sister by Selenis Leyva

Author:Selenis Leyva [Leyva, Selenis and Leyva, Marizol]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: PublicAffairs
Published: 2020-03-24T00:00:00+00:00

I WAS still living with Cameron and his family when I turned eighteen. On my birthday, Cameron announced, “We’re gonna go party!”

We went to the club that night, but it didn’t feel like anything special. At that point in my life, we were always going to the club. It was just like any other night. I remember thinking, Damn, I’m spending my eighteenth birthday like this? I didn’t even have a cake. No one to sing “Happy Birthday” to me. And that’s when it hit me how lonely I was: I was turning eighteen, which should have been a huge milestone, and here I was, spending it without my family.

I tried not to think about the situation because it was going to eat me alive. I knew that I couldn’t be angry at anyone but myself, and so I tried to make the best of it, but my emotions were all over the place. To say I was devastated by what had happened with my family is a serious understatement. I was also embarrassed and heartbroken. To this day, I don’t really understand how I could have betrayed Mami and Papi, the two people who’d always loved me and cared for me, in such a way. Over the years, I had gotten good at ignoring my feelings, pushing them aside and pretending that everything was okay with me, and at school, and at home. But it is exhausting to come off as a happy person—to always be smiling and positive—when you are really hurting inside.

After I’d been taken away in handcuffs, I was forced to confront what I had done, and I fell into a depression. I relied on partying even more as a way to forget all the pain I’d experienced—and all the pain I’d caused my family. But I tried to take advantage of this time I had away from my family. I tried to look at it as an opportunity: no longer living at home, I could finally begin living in public openly as Marizol. I started wearing feminine clothes out in public, and when I got my nails done, I didn’t try to hide them. I developed a big personality. I acted like I gave no fucks. I was always jolly, laughing, throwing shade. Being the open, fun, spirited person I’d always wanted to be. And so, though it is difficult to admit, and as painful as the whole experience of taking the money was, I also know that if I had never taken it, and if I had never been forced to live on my own, I wouldn’t have had the courage to really begin to live my life as me.

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